Well Done Fillet

Well Done Fillet

Waiter Stuff

The time has come to pass on the lycra shorts of justice

the ever ready
Staff Rep Man!

My two year reign as Staff Representative is about to come to an end. As staff rep it was my job to act as a bridge between staff and management, a conduit if you will from those with problems to those who probably caused them. I would sit in on disciplinary hearings and offer advice to those on the wrong side of Johnny-work-Law. In my mind I was a champion for the working Joe/Josephine, a cross between Arthur Scargill and Superman with a bit of Ghandi thrown in too. Not that I fancy myself much. Saying that, I wasn't really fan of the fasting and non-violence, eat and riot has always been my philosophy.

I was a two term Staff Rep. The first year I took the job as no one else wanted it. The second year came down to a vote between everyone's favourite man whore, Eddie, and myself. Obviously I lost the popular vote but still ended up winning the position. Just like GWB. Too much talking and not enough spreading the love. A man whore is hard to beat. The day of the vote I was pretty sure I would lose as the kitchen pretty much no showed and there are more bar staff than waiting staff. And so it came to pass that when the Glorious Leader announced the results Eddie was crowned the winner. I sat there faking my delight for him like a losing Oscar candidate.

Two days later Eddie decided it wasn't for him and he abdicated from the role. I, in a fit of martyrdom, decided I didn't want the position when they came crawling back. (I have witnesses, they crawled alright) They said no to me and I was hurt. Who got them the TV for the staff room? Who got them.......eh um er uh......other things that don't spring to the mind straight away but there were other things. So after a day or two of refusing I eventually caved in and took up the position again.

I was the Staff Rep again for another year, which was ironic as I couldn't give a fudge for most of them and obviously they felt the same about me. But weather I liked them or not I would still go to battle for them at the drop of a hat.

Schedule problems? I'm there

Training issues? I'm there

Been caught swearing at the manager and are deep in the shit? I'm there with bells on

Need a staff party organised? I was nowhere to be seen, absent without leave, lost in the wilderness.

And for this they will never forgive me. Cunts. It's there own damn faults that we never had enough staff parties last year. I would plan something and someone would start moaning that they have something else to do that night. This would inevitably set off a chain reaction of whinging and bitching and general slapped arseness. Even when I gave them carte blanche to plan anything they want they came with two dozen ridiculous ideas. Paint balling isn't everyones idea of a great day out. I even tried to deputise a party planner, but no one wanted it. I had power to deputise and power to bring the fuck. I rarely brought the funk. Ach fuck it, it ain't my problem anymore.

Now my term is up and it's time to pass on the red shimmering cape and matching lycra shorts that come with the job to the next staff rep. I'm retiring from public office to spend more time with my family and to take up directorships with leading arms manufacturers and chemical companies. I'm also moving to a tax free haven in the Indian Ocean.......