Well Done Fillet

Well Done Fillet

Waiter Stuff

Wine Course Night, a play in 3 acts

Gaping void knows the score....

Tuesday night is Wine Course Night. The Glorious leader asked The Princess and I if we fancied doing it alongside himself and his brother. I am always open to new things (HA!-LMM) so I jumped at the chance. The course runs every Tuesday night for 8 weeks, there are 5 weeks left. It sucks the big one that it is on my night off. But one must suffer for one's art. And suffering I am. The class only lasts 2 hours but the night itself lasts much much longer. Wine Course Night is a play in three acts.

Act I, "I don't want to fucking go", takes place in the hours before the class actually starts and lasts for about two to three hours. There is a lot of stamping of feet, huffing and generally acting like a 2 year old. I usually calm down and remember I am 34 and not 4 by the time I get to the college. I chain smoke 3 or 4 cigarettes and make my way inside. Thus beginning the main act...

Act II, "Sir Sir I know I know ask me!" subtitled "I ask questions I already know the answer to." Apart from when I am sleeping this is the quietest I am all week. Honestly you hardly get a peep out of me. I've put this new found reserve down to the fact that I can't get a bloody word in even if I wanted to, which I don't. It turns out I actually know very little about wine. Well nothing in comparison to the room full of Oz Clarkes I'm doing the class with. So I have decided to come clean with a terrible dark secret that haunts me every time I tie my apron on. My name is MANUEL AND I AM A BLUFFER - A WINE BLUFFER. It's never ever been a problem though. A quick wit coupled with a confident and amusing table-side manner gets me through most situations. I can wax lyrical about the wine on my wine list at work. I can make good and confident recommendations based on the food ordered and the tastes of the customer. Which is great. But if some smart ass hits me with a lot of follow up questions and some of their own wine knowledge I am in danger of being outed for the fraud I am. That's why I am doing a wine course!

But why some of the rest of them are doing it is beyond me. There are two chaps in particular who are clearly trying to out do each other. If one makes a point about the history of viticulture in Argentina the other will counter with an even duller point about the history of viticulture in China and on it goes. If they aren't busy contradicting each other they do their best to contradict the lecturer. Gets on my tits. Honestly they ask questions they already know the answer to just so that they can follow up with their own startling fact.

The class itself is good though despite the Johnny-suck-ups. But I'm sure the smokes have messed with my taste and smell sensations. For example last week whilst tasting Pinot Noir the lecturer suggested that the wine had an aroma reminiscent of over ripe vegetables. There was lots of nodding of heads and a couple of cries of "rotting cabbage" and people looking smug as they could smell it too. I wasn't getting it at all. To me it smelled of eh um er wine. Crikey. I got more out of the class this week but some people are gonna have to shut the fuck up or else face my wrath. My wine wrath that is, it's nothing really to be scared of. By the end of the class I am ready for a nap. Wine has that effect on me...

Act III, "Headache tablet, water, pizza, nap", this must happen within minutes of getting home or there will be tears, my tears. A couple of glasses of wine is enough to give me a sore head. A sore head leads to grumpiness. Grumpiness leads to falling out with Little Miss Manuel and we cant be having that. It also makes me sleepy. I would be fine if I just carried on drinking, it's the stopping that's the problem. But I would only wake up at 4am surrounded by empty wine bottles, vomit, next doors cat, and a policeman prodding (no pun intended (you'll only get that if you are from N.Ireland)) me with his truncheon. And nobody wants that especially next doors cat.

I bloody hope I pass this course and I bloody hope I don't kill someone trying. But stay tuned for more from the the play that is Wine Course Night. Wonder what happens if you get detention....