Well Done Fillet

Well Done Fillet

Waiter Stuff

Eat your food or I'll get "The Man"

The Intel SR1500 1U
not to be confused with your waiter

I had a table of 14 tonight from a nearby computer company. The word "nerd" just doesn't do them justice. Think Bill Gates without the "personality" then double it and add bad personal hygiene and mature acne and you have it! They were difficult to serve at first as they were very clearly socially awkward outside of their bedrooms/work cubicles. I'm sure they are all a real laugh and look like God's in Second Life or in virtual chat rooms, but here in the real world they were shy to the point of being painful. Good grief one of them blushed when I asked him for his order. I tried to be gentle with them, but I was busy and didn't have time for pissing about with the Tron Fan Club.

Ten frustrating minutes later I had secured the order. I brought them their glasses of non-fat milk and diet cokes, (the order was littered with "sauce on the side" and "plain") but one of them had ordered a very nifty bottle of the Heartland Shiraz. He was the alpha nerd. You could see the way the other nerds looked up to him. He probably not only knew girls outside of work/family but maybe even had had "relations" with one, briefly. He was more relaxed than the rest, his Whitesnake T-Shirt should have been a clue as to his status. He ordered his steak medium with pepper sauce. That caused a ripple around the table I can tell you, it was as if he had ordered Bambi herself.

They were out for dinner to celebrate the end of a particular project, and a boss had flown in from Texas to treat them all. God only knows what they had created or made go faster or smaller or something like that. But the boss was picking up the bill so Alpha Nerd, or Clive as I had taken to calling him (he looked like a Clive or a Simon or something like that), ordered another bottle of Shiraz. And this is where he made his big mistake. Clive was well imbibed as it was from the first bottle but as "Hank" (isn't everyone from Texas called Hank?) was picking up the bill he decided to throw caution to the wind. The first bottle had clearly boosted his confidence, as alcohol tends to do, and he decided it was time to be funny. Whilst alcohol will make you more confident it rarely makes you wiser. And so it came to pass,

"Garçon! Another bottle of your fine vino, make it snappy, I'm nearly out here."

I spun like an ice skater and stared him down with a withering look, "Garçon? Did you just call me Garçon?"

"Eh yeah sorry..." he knew he had done wrong "can I get another bottle of wine please?" This time it was more "if you don't mind and when you have time and if it's okay."

I couldn't let it go, I should have but couldn't.

"Garçon is it? You Google that on the internet before you came out?" He laughed and then tried to explain the difference between the Internet and the Web. I wasn't listening and was on my way to get a smoke and his wine, in that order too.

I haven't been called Garçon in ages. It's always by someone trying to be bigger than they are, someone flash with bling and lots of cash on them. It got me thinking about all the terms used for waiter. Most of which I hate...

  1. Waitress - You could never confuse me with a woman, ever, so you shouldn't call me a waitress. But I absolutely hate the word "waitress" and actress and the worst, manageress. No fucking need, don't do it.
  2. Server - fucking hate "server". The Intel SR1500 1U is a server, I am not. A server is someone who hands out plates. It suggests no skill or training or knowledge. Call me a "server" and I'll drop your dinner on your lap, honest.
  3. Steward - Maybe on a plane, train or boat or in the 1930's.
  4. The "Man" - Used by parents to scare their kids into eating/behaving. "Eat up or I'll get The Man" OR "Sit down, here comes The Man!". I usually play along and make a scary face. Oh the tears......
  5. The "Boy" - A favourite amongst old people. No matter how professional you are feeling or acting there is nothing like being called "The Boy" by some old person to make you feel like you are ten again. They never call you "boy" directly. Normally one old person asks the other to ask "the boy" for something. But they do it when you are at the table. You might be deaf grandad, I'm not.
  6. Garçon - Unless you are actually French don't even consider calling me Garçon. I WILL call you on it and embarrass you in front of your guests.
  7. Waitron - I have never been called a waitron, and I would probably beat you to a very bloody pulp if you did make the mistake of calling me a waitron. Honestly I would have to be pulled off your cold dead body as I would continue to pound it with my bare fists until there was nothing left. It was the pc compromise for waiter/waitress but it's just so ugly it makes me angry.

So think before you ask for that next bottle of wine.....